vitamin sea. mama bear. free soul.

I miss you.

I miss having a mom, I miss having someone to confine in. I miss who you were, and having someone around. I’m broken, in so many ways because of you, and I hate it. One day, I’ll have a wedding and you won’t be there, one day I’ll have another child, and you won’t be there. One day I’ll have a little family, and you won’t be included… I’ll always be broken, you’ve tore a wall that can’t be patched. I’m a girl with out a mother, I’m a girl who’s developed panic attacks when I see and hear of girls having their moms. I’m lost and I’m so damn weak. Im so damn weak. Every night, I break down, because the one person who’s never supposed to go away did, so easily. If you can go with out second thought, what makes anyone any different? You were supposed to be here, to see your grandchild grow, to show unconditional love… Where’s it at? Where are you? I don’t understand why you had to leave, why the old you wasn’t good enough. I fucking hate you for leaving, I hate you for making me weak. I’m fighting to be strong and I keep draining myself. I hate it.

I cried out for help, and you were there… And you were there, but to help me fall a little harder. You waited for me to break the glass all over the ground, before you pushed me face down into it. You waited for me to reach a weakness we were both unsure I’d even reach, but you saw it before I did. You saw it, and you came in, gave me enough help for me to start walking on the rope, and cutting it to where I had no balance to go back. You came back to watch me fall.

You’ve brought me into a dark tunnel full of unfulfilled hopes and washed up dreams, leaving me to starve on the thought that something might be. You had me second guess my mind, which left my soul at an unease. You’ve used me, and used me again, opening me up just to let me dive in to a point I couldn’t come back to breathe. Stranded, once again.

You taught me, once again, that there is no saving. I can not be saved, for the glass still shreds my chest, and that rope has left me to only fall from a high. That tunnel never gets light, because it will always be covered, and there is no reason to drowned myself when I can swim. You’ve taught me that you will never be what you say, or do anything besides you, you will always be that vulture that’ll pray off vulnerability. You’re no good, and you’ve said that from the start. You’ve taught me that sometimes, there is no seeing good in everyone because not everyone was made to be good.

Birth.

It amazes me that a year past bear’s birth, it’s still brought up like it was yesterday… I love it, how fresh it keeps the images, how clear.

I don’t mean to scare new mommies when I tell them my story, but I try to tell them that it was different… Things may have been wrong, I didn’t have the guidance.

I can’t tell any lines to follow, except to not follow mine. I did it on my own, everything. I didn’t have test for my levels, to make sure he was head first, or even if I’d be able to do a natural birth, but I did it.

They ask what it was like, and I’m always scared to tell these new mommies because it’s messy. I was covered in blood soaked water, even as the old water drained and new water flowed. I bled through four pants on my way to the hospital, it kept going. The hospital sheets, more pants. It was horrible, but it was.

They ask about the placenta, the cord. It’s magical in the grossest way, it’s life. It’s heavy, and gooey. It’s a sac made from your insides, but it resembles the tree of life in ways you can’t really see until it’s coming from you, and the cord, oh the cord. It was thick, it was tangled.

Birth is disgusting but it’s so beautiful and magical and everything in between. It’s an experience that has shaped me, that had shown me just how lucky I am. So many things could have went wrong, I could have lost my life, bear could have… But I had someone watching for me, and that’s something I can not forget.

All the things I find it hard to say.

To the Guy Who I Thought I Would Grow Old with
BY: ANNA BASHKOVA

“A true soul mate is probably the most important person you’ll ever meet, because they tear down your walls and smack you awake. But to live with a soul mate forever? Nah. Too painful. Soul mates, they come into your life just to reveal another layer of yourself to you, and then leave. A soul mates purpose is to shake you up, tear apart your ego a little bit, show you your obstacles and addictions, break your heart open so new light can get in, make you so desperate and out of control that you have to transform your life, then introduce you to your spiritual master…” ―Elizabeth Gilbert

Our hearts kept it simple.

I fell in love the way you fall asleep: slowly, and then all at once. I don’t really know when it exactly happened, but somewhere in between our intense eye contact and wiping my tears away as my walls came down that I spent years crafting, I crashed into you fully and never looked back.

My heart was unguarded, and I gave you all of me. We didn’t just hang out. We played. Our souls were alive - we were like two little kids again seeing the world for the first time - being with you multiplied all the good in life and changed me forever.

But our minds were another story.

We were complicated people, you and I. We weren’t simple. Our minds were analytical and imaginative and we thought about everything. A lot. We ended up making every situation in our life about 100x more difficult than it had to be.

We argued a lot. I fought with you at inopportune times, but my anger was fueled by my passion and emotions for you. I cared. I loved you. I loved all of you. I loved that I was the only one you showed certain parts of yourself to, you gave me all of you.

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I wiped your tears as you spoke about your family, there’s nothing in this world I loved more than holding your hand and whispering words of reassurance in your ear, because I knew you weren’t broken, you were just bent. And I loved all your edges, all your roughness. Your imperfections were perfect to me.

I challenged you because I loved you.

I confronted you a lot. I’m not the type of girl who nods and laughs and is always comfortable, I wasn’t easy — as in, I didn’t just “go with the flow.” But that’s because I craved more from you - I had opinions and big dreams for the future, I wanted the best for you. I never put up with not getting everything I deserved.

I never let you get away with slacking on your talents or putting in effort towards our relationship because I knew what we had. And you were never left uninspired or unsatisfied.

You broke my heart.

Not too long into our magic, things started to turn. The fireworks combusted, leaving us burned and confused. We wanted it so badly that we thought there was a logical solution to working out our differences. But there wasn’t

The truth is, you just weren’t ready. Your past, your demons, whatever the reason was, you started to push me away. You loved me in a way I have never been loved but you still weren’t ready. And that was the hardest thing to accept.

I knew I had to let go. Because you never ever have to convince or inspire someone to do the work to be ready.

There are many things I never thanked you for.

I thought I couldn’t live without you, but my heart is finally starting to beat again. You broke my heart open and new light got in, you made me so desperate and out of control that I had to transform my life, and I did.

I thought I would grow old with you, but sometimes, life has other plans. That doesn’t mean I ever stopped loving you. When someone touches your heart, they will infinitely be there.

I had so much anger and pain, it was gnawing away at me, slowly destroying me. But then I realized that our love wasn’t the kind that results in the fusing of two lives into one, it was the kind of love that gave me new life, that taught me much more than a happily ever after ever could. And I don’t regret a second of it.

P.s- I still love you. I’ll always love you.